A Modest Proposal for the Campuses of The University of Chicago and DePaul University to Switch Places

So here's the deal: The University of Chicago has a beautiful, gothic-inspired campus, great academics, and a bunch of old dudes with Nobel Prizes. However, its surrounding neighborhood, Hyde Park...well, leaves a little to be desired. It takes at least an hour by CTA (bus AND train) to get anywhere interesting that's not Walgreens, at the Reynolds Club, or Jimmy's (if you're of drinking age, that is). As a result, almost no one ever bothers to leave "The Hyde Park Bubble" because any attempt at escape is going to be at the very least, a two-hour excursion in commute time alone.

DePaul University, on the other hand, is located in the beautiful, swanky-yet-cheap, funky-yet-friendly neighborhood of Lincoln Park. Both the Red Line and the Brown Line stop in the middle of campus (Fullerton), and the entire area is surrounded by neat cafes, boutiques, and um, TREES and foliage. There is nary an empty broken-down lot in sight. Its campus is full of buildings that are for the most part, architecturally unremarkable, but its bus stops are not affectionately referred to as "Crack Stands", and downtown is less than thirty minutes away. U.S. News and World Report ranked them #1 in the "Happy Students" category in 2003. As a university, though, it's alright, but it can't hold a candle to The University of Chicago in terms of academics. It was placed in the third tier of National Universities, where The U of C is tied with Columbia for #9. I mean, there's only so much you can do when your university is religiously affiliated.

Clearly, both campuses could do better. The University of Chicago is an academic haven in a shitty neighborhood, and DePaul is having so much fun in their awesome neighborhood that they could use a break and buckle down with the books.

I propose the following:
That DePaul's campus is airlifted onto a temporary island in Lake Michigan, while the entirety of The University of Chicago's gothic campus (including Court Theater, the Hospitals, and environs) is airlifted into DePaul's former footprint in Lincoln Park. Once the U of C has left Hyde Park, DePaul will leave its temporary island and settle down where the U of C was.

Why an airlift? Well, the U of C's campus consists of important architectural landmarks that would be a shame to give up to another university. Also, we can hardly "create" a Lincoln Park from Hyde Park by trying to increase the amount of retail and cool things in our neighborhood. Residents of Hyde Park are notoriously hostile to any University-approved change, as evidenced by the fact that we can't even move a bus stop a fucking block without catching hell. Clearly, Hyde Parkians would like to see us go, and I think the University administration could see the benefits in moving to a hipper neighborhood and, in a word, make it "DePaul's problem".

Basically, Hyde Park is ballz and I'm tired of it but don't want to transfer.

Images from Hobo Traveler and Chicago Daily Photo Blog